Sometimes people or things come into our lives that are meant to create a point of stopping for us. They will not allow us to move forward without realizing that change is needed. Nothing ever goes according to our plans but everything goes according to the Universe’s plan. – We Don’t Meet Anyone by Accident, 5 Types of Cosmic Connections by Shelly.
Buddhism is big on the concept of reincarnation and karma. I grew up in a Buddhist family so naturally my father would sometimes sprout words of wisdom and at times he would gladly entertain my one million questions of “whys”. But his answers were never enough to quench my thirst for knowledge. I was always spiritually curious, partly driven by my trying to understand the sufferings of being the rejected one in the family, and another part by my numerous prophetic dreams and a mysterious voice that seems to come from within myself. And no, I am not hallucinating nor am I suffering from schizophrenia. A dream I saw at the age 14 cemented my curiosity for past lives.
‘We were out at the sea on a yacht. The only people I recognized were my father and uncle. The rest of the party were strangers. Men and women, some with blond hair, others brown but we were all Caucasians, not Chinese. A few of us went swimming in the deep sea when someone screamed from the upper deck: “Jellyfish! Jellyfish!”. We quickly scrambled up the yacht. I turned around and witnessed the biggest jellyfish I had ever seen in my own life. It was as big as the yacht. It was a spectacular sight.’
I woke up and went downstairs to look for my father, I was so excited to tell him I recalled what I thought was my childhood memories, and my father looked at me as if a tree had sprouted from my head. Then it hit me: I had never been on a yacht, much less with my father and uncle. It was just a stupid dream. But it was so real. So real I couldn’t shake that feeling as if I had lived through it.
How in the world would a jellyfish grew to the size of a yacht? Isn’t jellyfish those tiny pretty little things that I see around the aquarium tanks. I was trying to convince myself I probably had a very vivid imagination. It was until more than 5 years ago I came across an article on Lion’s mane jellyfish, which can grew up to 2.3 metres in diameter. That knowledge convinced me I probably had flashes of images from my past life. Besides, I was never a blond woman in this lifetime. But in that dream, I was blond. And I was a kept woman and my father was my lover in my past life.
After my father passed away in 2013, I returned to Turkey to start a new life. I was in the process of a very traumatic divorce and was looking forward to a fresh start in my new job. The moment I walked through the company’s door, I knew I would meet someone important in that company. It came in the form of a young man.
He walked past my cubicle but I did not catch his face. I was staring at his back, trying to figure out why he looked so familiar. But we had never met. I asked around who was he. They whispered back to me that he was going to be the future boss, he was here to learn how to run the company I was working in. A voice told me we would later become friends. True enough, we were introduced by my Japanese colleague.
When I looked into his eyes, I saw my own soul. He was familiar. I knew him somewhere long time ago but I couldn’t understand what I was seeing or feeling. We became close friends and my clients started asking me if we were more than friends. We were not but he was so familiar I couldn’t comprehend where I knew him. He also found me very comfortable to be around with. Until the day I made a foolish mistake by telling him of my blog and writing about him in my blog (which I later removed and was remorseful for being mean in my writings). He threatened to harm me and my son, which threw me in an uncontrollable fits of fear. I couldn’t sleep and sought help with a psychologist to process my fears. Despite his subsequent apologies for being too harsh on me and my therapy, I still couldn’t shake off the jittery fears. Subsequently, I sent him a message telling him I needed someone who could support and protect me, and so I quit abruptly and left the company, hoping to sooth my fears. But the fears did not go away. I saw him regularly in my dreams. Dreams of his future. Dreams of him trying to communicate with me. It almost drove me insane. I was overwhelmed. I went to countless fortune tellers, tarot readers, coffee readers, trying to help me understand why I am seeing him in my dreams. No one could give me an answer. He lived in my subconscious, that was the reply. Thank you very much, I would like to know how to get him out of my consciousness, but no one could give me a solution. And so my sufferings continued. And no, I was not in love with him. I just want to know what role he had played in my life. The dreams kept coming and it was overbearing and overwhelming. I needed a solution. I asked the same question for over two years. But the Universe was never silent. This time, he came in an even weirder dream.
‘I was a painter. He clumsily packed up all my paintings and was throwing me out of his house. His father never approved of our relationship. They were the wealthy family and his father couldn’t accept me as an artist. He couldn’t stand up for love, he couldn’t fight for me and so he bowed to his father’s wishes and threw me out. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. In the process of throwing me out, he destroyed my paintings and I was left with no means to support myself. I was left penniless, broken-hearted and in utter humiliation, I was simply left on the street. An even more powerful and richer man took pity on my plight and took me in as a kept woman. I had to live with the shame of being the other woman for the rest of my life. I lived upstairs and yet he still couldn’t look me in the eye.’
I was starting to see more of my past life because I constantly asked for it. But I still couldn’t figure out why he was stuck in my subconscious. It had to be more than that. Indeed, it is.
Around the same time, I was starting to read about people with near death experience. One particular lady named Anita Moorjani, who had cancer and died but came back to again with a strong message on knowing the purpose in your life. (You can hear her talk on TED Talk of her story: Dying to be me!) At the same time, I was researching more on Akashic records – everyone of us has a soul record of our past lives and our lessons we had learnt and those to be learnt in this lifetime. I had to know who he was. I had lost contact with this guy, but I needed to know why he kept coming into my dreams. And I was starting to sound like a love-sick girl who couldn’t get over a crush. But I am 100% sure I am not in love with him and I know I don’t sound very convincing to others. In my desperate attempts for my search for answers, I sought help from an intuitive healer, Kate Strong. She claimed to be able to read Akashic records and this is what I have got.
‘This lifetime was 50AD in the East Coast of the US. I was a male aged 20. I was an authoritive figure, a gifted native American man. I was a seer, gifted with vision and inner sight. I was sheltered because of my gifts and so I never became a warrior. He was a clan member and had a lot of darkness in him. He came to me, seeking my help. I used the Light to heal him successfully and so I was moved into the realm of a healer. But I was frightened by what I saw when I healed him. I was then killed in an attack, perhaps by another tribe, simply because I was singled out as gifted. I attracted attention to myself when I helped him. And I died because of that. My soul couldn’t get over my fears, overwhelm feeling and feelings of being trapped. I was angry. Why didn’t you protect me? Why couldn’t you protect me? I never learnt to be a warrior. I never knew how to protect myself. And I died saving him.’
My life now makes sense: the prophetic dreams; my ability to read the energies imprinted onto objects and photographs and thus the intentions of the carrier; I was told by two different people I could be a healer – my hands carry a lot of energies. My abilities carried over into this lifetime. It now makes sense why I felt fear, overwhelmed and trapped in that guy’s presence, and why I found him so familiar. My soul recognized him and it changed my life completely since. I also understood why I had to marry my ex husband, who went on to become alcoholic and abusive towards me (he probably was the one who actually killed me in that lifetime), why I sensed deep remorse on my ex part, why I suddenly developed nummular eczema only in my ex’s presence, how I am free of eczema for the past 8 years, why recently a coin-like scar appeared on my chest (most likely it was the imprint of being speared to death) and why I had to come to Turkey – to seek closure. In the process, I have learnt to take care and protect myself. I had learnt to be independent. In both lifetimes, I trusted him to fight for me but in both lifetimes, he let me down. In the process, I became a warrior instead – I chose to go solo and became a single parent. I learnt to take responsibilities for myself and my son, and I am doing beautifully well at it. Most importantly, I learnt to let go of the attachment and desire of him protecting me. For many years, I was seeking answers, I needed to find healing and closure. And I found them through my traumatic experiences in Turkey.
I always had that sense of uneasiness that I had somehow died unnaturally in my past life. I just knew it but at the same time, I didn’t want to find out. Until recently.
Sometimes a journey into your past lives helps to bring closure. At the same time, it provides a sense of acceptance (in my case, my abilities and it was a relief to know they are not all made up in my head), and learned of my earthly lessons and my purpose in this life. Knowledge may not be a bad thing after all. And I am grateful for all the experiences, good and bad, that made me (and helped me accept) who I am today.